New Employment Plan: Start A Religion

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There comes a point in every cube ridden person’s life when they realize they’re trapped. It hits them that they took the bait, did what they were “supposed to do” after college and are now imprisoned. Unfortunately for most people the moment of realization comes too late. You’ve already been working for a few years, you have bills, debt and have become accustomed to a certain lifestyle. So you have to keep pushing on making an ok amount of money because it’s better than being the guy without a job who lives with his parents at 27. I’m basically the Steve Avery* of cube world. I served 5 years even though I wasn’t guilty of wanting this particular profession only to be thrown back in jail after only 6 months of freedom. So I’ve been spit balling some ideas around and here’s the new plan: start a religion.

It’s almost too easy. What percent of the population would you say isn’t a complete moron? Like maybe 20%? That leaves me with at least 80% of the population to dupe. And the best part is I won’t even have to pay taxes on it because Pope Ballgame is running a religion, definitely NOT a giant scam. I think I’ll follow L. Ron Hubbard’s (Scientology founder) lead and just put on phony classes that lead to peace and enlightenment. I’ll tell people that if they give me $1000 I’ll teach them how to beat their drug addiction. For $2000 I’ll give them weight loss tips. For $3000 I’ll assure people that they’ll fuck virgins in the sky when they die (might have stolen that one). Just preach love, happiness and a guarantee that none of our “priests” will molest their sons (just kidding, that’s actually for a fee of $10,000).

People will come to my church for reasons they can’t even fathom. They’ll turn up our driveway not knowing for sure why they’re doing it. They’ll arrive at my door as innocent as children, longing for the past. Of course, we won’t mind if you look around, I’ll say. It’s only $20 per person. They’ll pass over the money without even thinking about it: for it is money they have and peace they lack.

*I own underwear.

– Ballgame


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