In just a few hours, people from here will join others from around the country and we will be launching the largest lottery drawing in the history of mankind. We will be united by our common interest – of having an insane amount of money for doing absolutely nothing. Despite yet another lackluster bowl season I’m confident in the numbers I picked. With that being said, it is possible that I won’t win Powerball tonight. But somebody will. And that somebody will probably be one of the dregs of society that has no business snatching our dream away from us and turning it into a meth fueled nightmare. Which is why there needs to be certain things that disqualify somebody from winning the lottery. A system of checks and balances that assures people who deserve to win the lottery actually win. You CANNOT win the lottery if:
You don’t have a job. Now on the surface this doesn’t necessarily make sense. But jobless people shouldn’t be able to take free money if they weren’t already working for money. The lottery is supposed to free you from your job. Now there are exceptions; if you’re just temporarily unemployed or are a stay at home parent or something like that. Just be a contributing member of society, that’s all I ask.
You’re not a regular lottery player. I may come off as a lotto-hipster here but I can’t stand all these people on the news getting their Powerball tickets who haven’t been through the lottery wars like I have. I’ve had A LOT of my eggs in the lottery basket for years now and some first timer is going to take that from me? I don’t think so. You fill out your card next to a guy who hasn’t showered in weeks, reeks of cigarettes and pays for his lottery tickets in change when the jackpot is still only at $25 million and then you can be eligible for the big one. Hell, if you’ve never bet on a virtual horse race before I’m not sure you should even be eligible to win a huge jackpot. If you haven’t stood shoulder to shoulder with convenience store scum than you shouldn’t be able to reap the rewards. I’m lucky to be alive after all the time I spent buying lotto/scratch tickets in Quincy center.
Side note: Next time I’m in Vegas (the only place this game exists) I’m going to spend hours playing this:
You’re poor. Like the job category this seems counterintuitive but it really isn’t. Poor people aren’t going to be able to handle winning the lottery. “But hey Ballgame, aren’t you a poor person?”. No, I’m middle-class poor, there’s a difference. I’m talking legit poor people, they shouldn’t be handed free money.
You can’t speak english. If you can’t speak english than you’re obviously not intelligent enough to handle a huge cash windfall. I understand there are dumb english speaking people too but these other categories will eliminate them as well.
You’ve ever said “Roll Tide” to a police officer. After Monday night this is 100% going to happen now. Some Bama superfan covered in Big Al tattoos who doesn’t even have a high school education is going to win and spend all of his winnings on backwoods stills and boilers. It’s inevitable. These types of people ALWAYS win the lottery. Today they live in infamy on youtube screaming Roll Tide while being arrested, tomorrow they’re worth a billion dollars. Ridiculous.
You don’t have a vice. Now I know what you’re thinking, wouldn’t somebody with vices just get worse with unlimited money and no responsibilities? Probably. But at least those are out in the open and relatively common. The man with ‘no vice’ and unlimited money? That’s the guy who sets up his own pedophile island and murders puppies for fun. I’ll let Bryan Cox explain:
You don’t support legalized sports betting and DFS. I can stand a lot of things but one thing I can’t is hypocrisy. The fact that we’re allowed to buy lottery tickets for a 1 and 292 million chance of winning the jackpot but can’t legally bet the Pats this weekend in 49 states is the dumbest thing of all time. Figure it out.
Good luck tonight! If my numbers hit tonight you’ll never see another blog written here ever again.