(Click the map to make it bigger)
So I guess that’s good? I mean you don’t want people dying in car accidents all the time. It also pretty much confirms my theory that Massachusetts people are actually great drivers and it’s out of state drivers that are bad when they visit. In reality they’re the bad drivers and they can’t handle the driving climate here. It makes sense. But let’s break down this map a little more.
Here’s where I want to move to based on the state’s superlative:
New Hampshire – Fewest Poor People. You never want to be around poor people. Such Debbie Downers. If you don’t see poor people they don’t exist and then you don’t have to do anything about it. So while I’ve never really considered New Hampshire a future destination for me it’s definitely on the map now.
Wyoming – Lowest Rate of Syphilis. I’m not married. I didn’t commit to one vagina for the rest of my life. Too much buck left in this bronco. So obviously I don’t want to be catching STD’s. Sup Wyoming chicks.
Colorado – Least Obese. Remember what I just said about poor people in New Hampshire? Same thing applies to the obese. Plus I hear Denver’s a really fun city.
New York – Highest Salaries. I know this is offset by high living costs in NYC but at the same time being rich is the best. Now if we could only combine NH, Colorado, Wyoming and New York into some super rich state with all hot skinny people with clean vaginas that’d be the ultimate.
Tennessee – Largest Walleye Ever Caught. Self explanatory.
Now here’s where I don’t want to live:
Montana – Longest Cat Lifespans. Cats are gross. They serve no purpose. The last thing I need is zombie cats who won’t die lurking around every corner.
North Dakota – Biggest Penises. You gotta look at this from a competition standpoint. This isn’t the state with the most adequate penises, I can make some noise there. But biggest penises? I don’t need to throw my hat into that ring.
North Carolina – Biggest Producer of Sweet Potatoes. I HATE sweet potatoes. I was at a bar fairly recently and thought I ordered regular tater-tots and they were sweet potato tots and I popped one into my mouth without realizing it and I almost puked everywhere. It was a very traumatic experience. Now imagine how often this could happen in a state known for producing sweet potatoes.
California – Most Breastfed Babies. My history with the lunatic fringe of public breastfeeding crusaders been long documented on this blog. I don’t need to be around them more than I have to be.