I Need Some Help Writing My First Erotic Novel

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I would like to know what’s going on in the rest of this picture.

As you all know I’m currently jobless. It’s pretttty cool actually but at the same time I need a source of income. What’s hot in the streets right now? Erotic fiction. As an English major I’m in prime position to ride the literary sex wave to financial freedom. It’s almost too easy really. So I’m roughly 60 pages into 50 Shades of Grey (seriously) and I think I’ve learned a few things that I need to do when I start constructing my basement flooding best seller.

– It actually needs to be a real story. I figured there’d be way more sex. After 60 pages of 50 Shades of Grey all I’ve gotten is a make out. I knew there was a plot to these things but I was thinking it’d be more like Dirk Diggler trying to get a job and a “This is a giant cock”. But nope, it’s like a real life book. So story line is definitely important.

– There needs to be some type of loss of innocence. Obviously this is big in 50 Shades of Grey but it’s also a pretty common literary archetype (english major stuff, nbd). I think chicks dig loss of innocence, you know, finally giving into temptation type of shit.

– The sex scenes can actually be pretty graphic. But you can’t really explicitly say ‘dick’ or ‘cock’ or ‘pussy’. I skipped ahead to check out some of the sex scenes, so sue me.

– You need to write from the main female character’s perspective. And she has to be relatable. She can’t be really hot but she definitely can’t be ugly. Can’t be really rich, but can’t be poor. Maybe the type that every woman reading could be like “yea, I’m probably that girl in my group of friends” (but not in the way Jennifer Lawrence puts on her act so that every girl thinks that).

So here’s what I need help on:

– I need a pseudonym (that’s foreign for pen name). I need people to think my book was written by a woman. I don’t want to do initials because the 50 Shades lady already did that. It needs to be an attractive name but not like strippery or super sexy.

– I need a theme. Like 50 Shades is BDSM. But there’s also one on the Amazon best seller list about some woman getting double teamed by cowboys on their ranch (seriously). According to Pornhub the top two categories women search for are lesbian and gay men. Both those are out. Next is teen then “for women” then ebony. A younger (legal) girl with an older guy could work? OR there’s fan fiction but I think then we’re getting too specific. Could be a fake celebrity though? Open to suggestions.

– I don’t know what sex is like for a girl. So if any girl wants to call me up and start talking about that, that’d probably be pretty cool.

– Do girls finger themselves in erotic novels? I was thinking I’d base the succession of sex scenes on the casting couch build up of events and I don’t want to leave out step 1.

– Any and all suggestions are welcome. I know of at LEAST three girls that read this sight regularly and I’m sure there’s more. So hit me up on twitter @therealballgame with anything you think could help me write my erotic masterpiece and get rich. Thank you.

– Ballgame


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