Reader Email: A Guy At My Office Shits On The Ground And Then Picks It Up And Puts It In The Toilet (With Pic)

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My buddy texted me this yesterday. What an absolute SAVAGE move. According to my buddy there was a rumor about this guy doing this and somebody finally got a pic and the whole office was buzzing about it on a Monday morning. So this isn’t an accident (not sure how that would happen anyways). He clearly prepares his poop spot with toilet paper beforehand then picks up his nest and flushes it. This is one of the more batshit crazy things I’ve ever seen. I have so many questions that need answering. For one, how can somebody that’s such a germaphobe they won’t even touch a toilet seat also be ok with picking up his own feces? On top of that there is so much risk involved in this move and absolutely no reward. What if he shits on himself? What happens when he’s peeing at the same time as pooping? Don’t tell me he can some how control that. And finally, what if he gets caught and gets put on the internet by someone with a blog that people actually read? I can’t even come up with a semi-logical explanation for a grown man shitting on the floor of his office bathroom on purpose. That’s totally inappropriate. It’s lewd, lascivious, salacious, outrageous!

Thanks to Dave for the pic and alerting us to a bathroom habit nobody knew existed until yesterday.

– Ballgame

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If You Had The Foresight To Do So, You Could Have Quit Your Job And Become Rich Off Of Boston College Unders

This has started trickling out this week but I think it’s still kind of flying under the radar. BC is historically bad offensively in both of it’s gambling sports. Like, setting records at how bad offensively they are. BC football’s o/u record was 2-10. Their hoops o/u record right now is 6-17. It’s realistic to say that if you had the foresight to do so you could make a living, a really good living, blindly betting BC unders. For those one or two of you that read my short lived blog Saturdays On The Couch, you know I was in fact betting the under in every single BC football game this season. It was awesome having an auto-win every Saturday. What I didn’t do was continue that with BC basketball. Hindsight’s always 20/20 when it comes to betting on sports.

Now I know what you’re thinking, why not just jump on the BC under bandwagon now for their last few games? Well, you risk getting in too late after books have made adjustments. However, in the case of BC football they couldn’t adjust enough. The totals they were posting for BC football were some of the lowest in the history of college football and they still weren’t low enough. So maybe the same thing is happening in basketball? I really can’t tell. But it is incredibly frustrating to find out about free money after the fact especially when I snuffed it out in football at the beginning of the season. That and whenever I can take a cheap shot at BC I’m going to take it.

BC plays at home against G Tech tomorrow at noon. There’s no line out yet but I’ll be testing my luck with the under no matter what it is. My advice to you? Take the over. If anybody can kill a golden goose it’s me.

– Ballgame

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There’s A Mass Breast Feeding Demonstration In A Mall Food Court Because Someone Got Asked To Use The Feeding Room

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Emmy Rossum fake breast feeding > real breast feeding

ABCDozens of breastfeeding mothers are staging a protest at a Bendigo shopping centre after a woman is asked to leave the food court for breastfeeding.

Luci White was breastfeeding her son in a food court in Bendigo Marketplace earlier in the week, when a staff member asked her to move to the parent’s room after two patrons had complained.

Her friend Samantha Purden then posted on Facebook that she was “disgusted and appalled” that her friend was asked by staff to move to a feeding room, and called for a mass breastfeeding session in the food court.

“To educate the Neanderthals out there that no-one has the right to tell a mum where to feed her child. It’s illegal,” Ms Purden wrote on her Facebook page.

Oh the breastfeeding in public crusaders, we meet again! It’s been awhile since I faced off with one of my (many) arch nemesis’ (nemisi?). I hope they didn’t think I forgot about them. This one is just as ridiculous as the others; woman is breast feeding in public, woman gets asked to go to an area specifically designated for breast feeding, woman freaks out. Companies have gone out of their way to accommodate nursing mothers but they just want to be able to do it wherever they want.

Listen lady, I know you were in a food court but unless I can get a free sample of your tit from an Asian guy then the term “food court” doesn’t apply to your baby. Why are these women so adamant about their “right” to get their tits sucked in public? Common sense would dictate that you shouldn’t have your nipples being used as a straw in the middle of the mall, particularly when there’s a designated area for you to do just that. Why is that too much to ask these women? No need to make everyone around you uncomfortable because it’s your “right” to breast feed any place you please.

You know what I would love to do? I’d love to go to the mall food court, grab a couple slices from Sbarro, pull my pants down and get my dick sucked. Right there in the open. Girls mouth, on my dick. Sucking until a whitish substance similar in consistency to milk comes out so she can be fed. Oh that’s illegal you say? I rest my case.

– Ballgame

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I’m Calling Bullshit On Whitey Bulger Jerking Off In His Jail Cell

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He is a fucking creep though, I’ll give you that.

Boston.com While a male corrections officer was making early morning rounds at the US Penitentiary Coleman II, the now 86-year-old was reportedly seen masturbating in his cell with the lights on, according to prison documents obtained by the Globe.

The prison prohibits any sexual activity by inmates. Authorities put Bulger in solitary confinement for 30 days, halted his commissary and email privileges for 120 days, and confiscated his personal property for 30 days, the Globe reports.

The documents showed Bulger denied the sexual activity, saying he was applying medicated powder to an irritation on his genitals.

“I’m 85 years old. My sex life is over,” Bulger told a disciplinary hearing officer in June, according to the Globe.

My favorite part of this story is that an 86 year old criminal allegedly masturbating in his jail cell is all over every news outlet in Boston right now. I turned the news on before I got out of bed this morning and literally the first thing I heard was Gene Lavanchy saying “touching himself in a sexual manner”. So I appreciate that aspect of this story. But there’s just no way 86 year old dudes can snap one off. The cut off for jerking off has to be like 75 at the latest. Like I don’t even think Hugh Hefner cranks em out or has sex anymore and he’s 89 BUT getting his rocks off is his niche so you would think he’d last a little longer.

From a larger standpoint I don’t understand why there would be a no-jerk rule in prisons. If I’m running a prison there would be mandatory “relief” sessions every day. I’d set up those creepy booths straight out of the basement of a porn shop and give guys some porn and time to themselves. I’m not trying to build up testosterone and have a prison riot on my hands if I’m a warden. Best way to avoid that is a little sexual release. How are prisons so stupid as to not get this? I’d probably let them have drugs too (downers only). Just keep all my prisoners sedated and pulling their pud all day and I’d have the best warden gig in the country. I didn’t realize this until now but maybe my best path to escaping the cube world is to put myself in charge of an actual prison. Funny how life works huh?

– Ballgame

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Today In Social Justice: Harvard Abolishes The Term “House Master” Because It’s Linked To Slavery Even Though Harvard Academics Say It Isn’t

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Veritas of course means truth, which has FINALLY reared it’s ugly racist head at Harvard, thank God.

BBC House masters, in charge of residential halls at the university, will become known as “faculty deans”.

Harvard Law School is also deciding whether to change its official seal, because of links to slavery.

US campuses have faced a series of protests over allegations of racism.

Harvard has not agreed that the use of “master” represented a link to slavery, but it has accepted campaigners’ calls for a name change.

It will mean changing the job titles of 24 members of staff – but will not affect other uses of “master”, such as a master’s level degree.

Harvard academics say that the word “master” derives from the Latin term “magister” – a form of address for scholars or teachers. It is similar to terms such as “school master” or “head master”.

There’s only one reaction any morally sound, tolerant person (like myself) should have to this news:

It’s about Goddamn time we rid Harvard of their racist dorms! Now while this is a good first step I don’t know why they’re not going all the way and eliminating all uses of the word ‘master’. It says right there in the article they’re keeping Master’s degrees. Hypocrite much? Now, a lot of people probably don’t know this but a “Master’s Degree” is actually the degree Ole Miss gave out to people who went there and majored in slave owning prior to the 1850’s. Funny how that term stuck around and now today that’s the degree you need to be in positions of power in the corporate world. Really makes you think doesn’t it. I’d suggest going one step below the college level to the high school world and abolishing the term ‘Head Master’ as well. You see, there were some nice slave owners who educated their slaves. But the title of the guy who ran the plantation schools? You guessed it: Head Master. So that obviously has to go.

To do my part and stand with the ostracized who had to live under tyrannical house masters at Harvard I’ve decided that I will no longer be the master of my own domain. Tonight I will masturbate furiously in the name of social justice and safe spaces for all. We will prevail.

– Ballgame

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Turns Out Ben Carson’s Aides Have Just Been Running A Scam To Make Money For Themselves

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The AtlanticFor months, reporters and political operatives (including me) have been pointing out that Ben Carson’s campaign bears many of the hallmarks of a political scam operation. Now Carson seems to agree. On CNN on Tuesday, Carson discussed his year-end staff shake-up:

“We had people who didn’t really seem to understand finances,” a laughing Carson told CNN’s Poppy Harlow on “CNN Newsroom,” adding, “or maybe they did—maybe they were doing it on purpose.”

It’s a remarkable statement—especially because he’s so blithe about it.

That’s because Team Carson has been plowing a huge portion of the money it raises back into fundraising, using costly direct-mail and telemarketing tactics. Pretty much every campaign uses those tools, but the extent to which Carson was using it raised eyebrows around politics. First, many of the companies being paid millions and millions of dollars are run by top campaign officials or their friends and relations, meaning those people are making a mint. Second, many of the contributions are coming from small-dollar donors. If that money is being given by well-meaning grassroots conservatives for a campaign that’s designed not to win but to produce revenue for venders, isn’t it just a grift?

I have a question; are any of the people Ben Carson operated on still alive? Are their brains actually still intact? I’ll give someone all of my money (HIGH three figures) if they can find a functioning brain that Ben Carson has touched (including his own). It seems that in a cruel twist of fate, Ben Carson – a brain surgeon – has lost his mind. Now that I think about it, are we even sure he’s really a brain surgeon and not like a pediatrist? Hell, George could have been a pediatrist. At least for Benny here Roger Goodell will have a job lined up for him to investigate CTE after this failed presidential bid. Nobody can be this aloof and then just chuckle about it. “Oh those guys that were trying to help me become the President of the United States were actually just stealing people’s money? Oh man, they got me!”.

And so the SNLification of the 2016 Presidential election continues. It is quite entertaining but at the same time a guy who wouldn’t be able to catch a bartender skimming made it to like the final 10 of the presidential race. There should be a simple test to eliminate people right away. Stuff like “can you do basic math?”. Or “would you fire someone you caught stealing from your campaign or just let it slide until the national media figured it out too?”. Really basic stuff here. Now that Carson’s effectively out it’s back to your regularly scheduled programming of candidates barking like dogs, being racist, anti-gay, being investigated by the FBI and one that might die of old age before the election even happens. Only in America!

– Ballgame

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The ‘Hot Dog Hooker’ Of East Rockaway, NY Is Back!

(I highly recommend actually watching this news clip from the first time she was arrested)

NYThe East Rockaway woman remembered as the “Hot Dog Hooker” has angered residents after admitting to placing a pillow on her home’s front lawn advertising lap dances.

“It’s an armrest… It’s just something I wrote. I’ve been here 50 years, my neighbors know me. I’m 50 years old. Nobody has a problem here,” says Cathy Scalia.

But that’s not exactly the case with her neighbor Mak, who says the pillow now rests on his old swing.

“The neighborhood is disgusted. Some of the houses here, they say ‘I can’t sell my house,’” Mak told FiOS1 News.

Resident Karen Decunzo worries her kids will see it. “I don’t know how she keeps getting away with it. It doesn’t make any sense. It should be shut down,” she says.

However Scalia, who prefers to be called the “Hot Dog Honey,” says she’s not asking for money, just donations, and doesn’t see anything wrong with lap dancing, which she equates to belly dancing.

Shakespeare was born to write. Mozart was born to make music. Tiger Woods to bang much more attractive, younger prostitutes than this one golf. And Cathy Scalia, The Hot Dog Hooker of East Rockaway, New York was born to sell snapdogs and only give lap dances, definitely not fuck ;).

You have to respect The Hot Dog Hooker’s persistence. What Johnny Football is to alcohol is what Cathy Scalia is to the hot dog-hooking game. You can tell her to quit as many times as you want, she’s not going to stop (and apparently neither is Johnny). As a hot dog connoisseur I kind of wish she was still slinging dogs in her front yard too but the fact that she’s so dedicated to her craft that now she’s only accepting donations as opposed to charging people warms my heart. Plus, she’s not doing anything wrong. Giving out charity lap dances isn’t a crime in this country. It is possible that single handily bringing down the property values of her neighbor’s houses and stopping them from selling is a crime but maybe these holier than thou individuals should have thought of that before they took away her hot dog truck and relegated her charity offerings to her front yard. So cry me a river. As a guy who has spent an inordinate amount of his adult life both eating hot dogs and getting lap dances I can’t think of a better role model for the future generations of this country. Long live The Hot Dog Hooker.

ps – I’ve spent like 15 minutes thinking about it and as much as I’ve tried to gross myself out, I don’t think I’d have any problem buying a hotdog from a prostitute. When push comes to shove they’re just another street vendor.

– Ballgame

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Serious Cube World Talk: What Are The Rules On Banging A Coworker?

I know it’s mostly fun and games here at 114 Pembroke but sometimes a serious issue arrises that must be addressed and the funny needs to be put aside. I don’t think since the creator of Lenders Bagels died have I been serious but this issue calls for a sit down, real life talk. I know this topic has been beat to death but it’s never effected me and who better to trust with advice than the people that read this blog.

I work with a whole bunch of dudes. Like literally all dudes and they’re all at least 7 years older than me. However, our office connects to a smaller office for another division. In that division sits two older gross ladies and the new girl. Here begins my mental predicament, the new girl.

Everybody in both our offices is old and gray with kids and mortgages and diapers and menopause and all that gross old people shit. So naturally me and said new girl gravitate towards each other. Now make no mistake about it, this girl isn’t hot. She’s a solid 5.5. She has a nice lower body (seen her in yoga pants), big tits and a decent face. But I can’t figure out the bread basket region. Maybe it’s the work clothes but it’s a mystery area. She’s not fat by any means but something about the mid-section is perplexing. I have a rule where I don’t trust a girl if I can’t find a picture of her bare stomach on Facebook/The Gram. But I’m getting off track, I apologize. The point is, she’s not hot but if you brought her home from the bar none of your friends would make fun of you for it. I liken it to my days in the Catholic Conference when you’re so deprived of girls 5 days a week that if a teacher was even remotely good looking she turned into the most beautiful woman on the planet. That’s exactly what I’m dealing with here. My work girl is All Boys School Hot.

So what happens if I decide I want to *actually* try to have sex with her? Obviously it’s rolling a huge die. If she backs off then it’s weird because she knows I tried and she’s around me all the time. But if she goes for it then I need to keep it a secret from all the old people. But we don’t technically work together so the excuse that it would effect work is irrelevant.

The biggest concern I have is ending it. I’m not going to date her, that’s just silly. You have to just get her fired right? No other way to do it. Obviously she’ll get emotionally attached to me because…well because she’s a girl and I’m me. So I can’t have some emotional basketcase holding our sexual escapades over my head threatening to go to the old coworkers with it. No choice but to set the bitch up. Maybe frame her for stealing something. Give her a poppyseed muffin and have her some how fail a drug test even though we don’t give employees drug tests. Possibly even get into her e-mail and leak a nude. Either way I’m not losing MY job over some 5.5.

Now of course this is all hypothetical at this point but who knows when I’ll be at the bar at some work thing with her and the thoughts come back, I’ll need to know what to do.

Any ideas, comments, thoughts, advice on this? Let me know.

– Ballgame

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Jack Edwards Is Going Full Musburger Between Periods Right now

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You ain’t wrong Jack! You just gotta be careful when you go full Musburger nowadays. That’s how you get sent to the SEC Network to die. Now that won’t happen to Jack but it is kinda ballsy to tweet this mid game. Just a couple too many o’s on this tweet. I mean a quick turn from Edwards in the booth and he’d knock Brick over with the Bergy he has in his pants right now. Again, you’re 100% correct Jack, just be careful with your Twitter fingers that’s all I’m saying.

– Ballgame

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Trump Once Told Howard Stern The 80’s Were His “Personal Vietnam”, He’s Lucky He Survived Without An STD

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When you remember that big haired hottie from the night before told you she spent last weekend partying with Magic Johnson

DailymailDonald Trump – who dodged the military draft – said that dating in the Eighties was his own ‘personal Vietnam’.

The Republican presidential candidate told shock jock Howard Stern that he felt ‘lucky’ not to have picked up an STD while sleeping around during the decade.

Trump added that he felt like a ‘great and very brave soldier’ when he appeared on the show in 1997, re-posted this week by Buzzfeed.

I think I’m all in on Trump for real now. Up until this point I’ve just found him incredibly entertaining. A nice change of pace in the normally insufferable election season. But this whole election’s a goddamn circus at this point (in both political parties) so you wanna get nuts? Let’s get nuts! Elect Trump and let all hell break loose. At the very least he’ll keep dropping incredible one-liners like saying sex in the 80’s was his personal Vietnam. Which he isn’t wrong about either. The Clap can sneak up on you like Charlie setting a booby trap, you find HIV in tunnels you shouldn’t be venturing down and even when you know you have to pull out you can’t do it. So cut Trump some slack here, he IS lucky to not have legs made from the same material as the space station.

So this got me thinking; what’s my personal Vietnam? I think it has to be working in cube world. Drafted in out of college all smiles thinking of the glory of making money only to find out it’s hell on earth. The smell of napalm in the morningIndian food being reheated at lunch, the agent orange work jargon that doesn’t effect you at first but slowly kills you over the years. Being left totally traumatized and soulless from the stress corporate America has put on your mind and body. Cube life is my personal Vietnam. Now somebody please either end this war or kill me so I can get out of here.

– Ballgame

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